Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
