quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
