White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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