frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
