But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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