Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
