If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
