sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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