my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And my parents said I crawled through the house
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
