guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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