I accidentally burped into my bong.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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