I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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