textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
