You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Randomize
