Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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