I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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