dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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