I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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