last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
