i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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