Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
