I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
