i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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