Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Boobs speak an international language.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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