I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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