Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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