Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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