I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
