my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
