There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
