My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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