you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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