Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
