Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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