3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
