Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize