listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
