Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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