So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In other news, I just burned my penis
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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