My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
