I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
