Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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