i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
