Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
