Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
