No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
