He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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