Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
