ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
