There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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