Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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