Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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