so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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