Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
