cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
