Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
