we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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