bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
