Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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