I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
