Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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