My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
