I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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