We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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