I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
