God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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