Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
